Forums » Relationships / Advice

    • 0 posts
    August 2, 2019 8:09 PM BST
    So I've been in a bit of a predicament with my current boyfriend of 3 years. Growing up, I never felt like I was straight. I remember being 4 or 5 years old and I used to get really turned on to attractive women and even thought about what it'd be like to even kiss a woman. I always found myself always staring at women, but i never thought anything of it. I was completely into guys, or so I thought.. I've always had crushes on guys as a kid and teenager, pretty much up until the time I had my second boyfriend. That's when I kind of came to terms that I was bisexual because my attraction and fascination with women never stopped. I stopped thinking about this for awhile before my relationship ended. So, a few months later, I unexpectedly ended up with a new boyfriend that was (and still is) very into me. It's safe to say he's the most loving and committed guy I've been with. I was very honest with him when I told him I was bisexual in the beginning of our relationship, which he was respectful about it. But even saying that i was bisexual didn't feel right for some reason. About 2 years into our relationship, we were out with some friends and decide to go to a gay club because one of our friends suspected he was gay and we were there for support. Well... a girl there kept flirting with me the whole time we were in the club and it got to the point where she wanted to dance with me. My bf told me it was perfectly okay for me to dance with this girl and it's fine if she kisses me. We ended up making out while we were dancing club while my bf was chilling outside, but it's safe to say that night changed me and how I viewed my sexuality and my relationship with my bf.

    At first, i just thought I wanted to maybe be in an open relationship because i was now curious what it would be like to be with a woman, but I didn't wanna give up the "best relationship" i've had because of this. As much as I think this is the best relationship I've had, it hasn't really been that satisfying or as great as I thought. These feelings have been persisting and over the course of a year and a half and one day, I came to the realization that i may be a lesbian. I became increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of my bf's affection and dreaded being sexually intimate with him because all I keep fantasizing about in my head were women. He really wants to get married to me one day but in my head, I'm just thinking how awful that's gonna be and that i'm gonna be more trapped in a relationship that will never truly fulfill me. I get so jealous when I see lesbians who are out and are happy because I'm just wishing that I had that was me in that scenario. I don't really like to be around him and I flinch whenever he tries to touch me. I even get annoyed whenever he looks at me and calls me beautiful because I was wishing that he was a woman saying that to me. I can totally picture myself being in a happy relationship or marriage with a woman. Whenever I really think about it, it makes a ton of sense why i've never been turned on by a man in any of my past and in my current relationship.

    With all that being said, I'm having a hard time trying to conjure the courage just to tell him how I've been feeling because I'm really afraid of hurting his feelings and the promises we made to each other that we were 110% committed to each other. The thought of being lesbian doesn't bother me, but the thought of doing this to my boyfriend makes me so fucking miserable and guilty.

    Any advice about how I should go about this or any support is very much needed right now.