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Has your gaydar ever failed you?

    • 1 posts
    August 12, 2018 12:12 AM BST

    Hi everyone....  I am new here.  I want to tell you a little about myself and also something I have experienced recently which I'd like your input on.

    I am 51.  I have only been in one relationship with a woman but i have known since I was a teenager that I was attracted to women.  I have also had relationships with men but none of them were as sexually intense as that relationship with a woman which ended pretty disastrously (in retrospect she treated me pretty bad and I cannot imagine why I was so in love with her).  I was hurt so intensely by that relationship that I became turned off to relationships overall and put myself into my career and myself.   It is hard to make myself vulnerable to getting hurt.  Lately (the last couple of years) I have thought maybe I should try to put myself out there again.  I look pretty good for my age.  But I am not one to do dating sites... I tend to like organic relationships where you meet out in the community.

    Almost 10 years ago, I ended up moving to a beautiful town which I love.  It is in a liberal part of the US but this town is pretty boring.  In the time I have lived here I have become a bit isolated.  I do go out and I try to mingle but I don't really connect with anyone.  This town is very straight.  Not even a gay bar here...  I thought about moving but I really don't want to as this place feels like home.  I do get lonely, though and quite honestly I feel like a misfit. I love music and have often gone to concerts alone because I have nobody to go with me.  I have a few acquaintances but not many and nobody who I am really close to.  I have close friends in other parts of the country where I used to live.. places like NYC and LA where there is more flavor in the community... they come out and visit and understand why I live here but tell me I have become very isolated compared to how they remember me.

    I have a pretty good job that takes up a lot of my time and I go to fitness classes regularly (and hike and bike but usually alone).  I haven't met any lesbians here or at least anyone who is out as one.  I have told a few straight friends about me but I actually stopped because I found that straight women think you want to get in their pants when they hear this.  I am not closeted at all but I don't exactly feel that I need to volunteer this unless it is in the right context.  

    So I have been going to a fitness studio for about a year now.  One of the proprietors seems very much like a lesbian to me.  She really is the only woman in my orbit who has set off my gaydar in years.  I was not really attracted to her physically at first --- more fascinated as i saw parallels between us (similar age, not married and clearly gay).  It didn't occur to me for a second that this woman was straight.  She is not butch or anything but emits a very masculine energy and I just sense she is gay... I am guessing you all know this feeling? 

    I have had a few conversations with her and she seems smart and like a decent person so after a while I thought maybe I would try to get to know her better and at the very least, I may have a friend who understands me.  She has behaved oddly with me on a few occasions.  My gut tells me that she is attracted to me.  One time I got there early to chat w/ her and she seemed very uncomfortable which in turn made me uncomfortable.  I decided I wasn't going to put myself out there with her anymore as I like going to this place and wouldn't want it to be awkward to be around her.  Then something would happen, I'd get vibes from her and start being interested again.  Then she'd be cold again... it's strange and I am not somebody who likes games so my attraction to her has been waning as of late...

    Today she was there and I heard someone say something to her that led me to believe that this woman either identifies as straight or she wants people to think that she is straight for whatever reason (workplace persona perhaps?).   In any case, part of me is wondering if I have been way off about this woman and if my instinct, gut, whatever is failing me....  

    So my question after this long diatribe is: have any of you had your gaydar fail you?  Or have you ever felt sure that there was a chemistry with someone only to find out you were mistaken?

    For those of you who actually read this, I thank you for letting me share. I really have nobody to talk to about this....

    • 11 posts
    August 15, 2018 6:30 AM BST

    i am a shy introverted fem lesbian so never approach anyone. i favor aggressive toms that come on strong to me. i will walk away from shy butches that just casually flirting on me. so never had to sense the sexual preferences of toms after me and clearly reject submissive fem girls that play up with me. 

    • 7 posts
    June 4, 2022 5:07 AM BST

    only once when i asked a girl out and she said she was straight.  usually i have a sense about some women.  usually about 9 times out of 10 I know if a guy is gay or not.