Forums » Relationships / Advice

Confused and a little scared

    • 1 posts
    July 23, 2017 6:00 AM BST

    I've never written to anything like this before, so I'm sorry if I do it wrong. I have kind of a long story and need some advice, and I don't really know where to go.

    I'm 21 years old, and when I was 12 my cousin forced me to have sex with him. It took me 4 years to tell anyone. I dropped all my friends and only wanted to be alone. When I told my parents, they didn't believe me. About a year after I told my parents, my cousin overdosed and died. Then they beleived me, but there wasn't anything to do about it then.

    So, when I was 19, there was this boy who kept asking me to go out with him. We had two classes together at college. I said no a lot, but eventually he wore me down and I said yes. We were together for about a year and a half, and he kept trying to get me to have sex with him, but I just couldn't do it. I loved him, and I wanted to... I just couldn't.

    Well, eventually we did. I started taking birth control pills two months before we did, and honestly. I didn't like it. But the worst part was the next morning, when I got a text from him breaking up with me. I'd spent years hiding my feelings, and I did my best to hold my head up high and go to work.

    I work as a receptionist in a dentist office. I've never been friendly with any of the coworkers, I just go and do my job so I can make money. But honeslty, if my parents didn't make me, I'd just lock myself in my room. I don't want to deal with people. And yes, a receptionist is probably not a great choice.

    Anyway, the day he breaks up with me I'm trying to act normal, but one of the assistants asks me whats wrong. And I wanted to just say "nothing" but I just blurted out "my boyfriend broke up with me" and I think I cried a little, I don't remember because I was mad at myself for saying anything at all

    She says that shes sorry to hear that, and then asks if I want to go get a drink after work to help forget about it. I didn't want to, but everyone talks about her behind her back and says she's a lesbian. And I thought that maybe she'd make me have sex with her and then I'd have a good reason to just hate everyone. And I said "I'd like to go."

    After work we went to a restaurant with a bar. I don't drink, she suggested a cosmo. I was pretty drunk after one, and the second one almost knocked me out. I was drunk, I told her about my boyfriend. I told her about my cousin. I told her about my parents, and how I can't remember ever having friends. And she listened and it seemed like she really cared about my life.

    The next day, when I saw her, I think I smiled for the first time in forever. And she asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her.

    We became best friends fast. But neither of us had friends. While this part is her story to tell, and not mine, I just want to share it briefly. She was engaged to a girl who passed away. They'd been friends all their life, and had the same friends. But a few months after her fiance died, all of the friends they'd both had abandoned her.

    So, I finally had something to think about other than work or college, and I started getting better grades in college too.

     

    Then, maybe a few weeks after we started spending all of our spare time together, she says something to me.

    "By the time I was your age, I'd had a lot of sex. But you've only done it twice, and both times weren't good experiences. Think about this, and don't answer now. If you want, I'd like to show you what sex is like with someone that cares about you."

    And I started to cry, this was what I wanted at first, but not now. Not now that we were friends. I told her how I wanted her to do this the first time we went out so I could hate her too. And now, I was just so torn about our friendship.

    She said she wouldn't bring it up again, the offer still stands but I would have to tell her if I'm interested.

    It took a few weeks before I could feel comfortable around her again. And eventually I asked her how it would work if we had sex. She told me about a fake penis she would wear. And I did think about it. I thought about my cousin and my boyfriend on top of me, and imagined her. And I just couldn't picture her being so.... I don't know, self-centered about it.

    We'd talk about it sometimes, and she never was pushy about it, and eventually I said we should do it. We didn't right then, a few days later she took me to a nice resaurant and we went to her place after.

    Before we did I asked to see the fake penis. It just felt like rubber, like a tire.

    She put it on under her skirt so I couldn't see. She sat me down on her bed and kissed my neck before she took her clothes off and helped me with mine. I was scared, and she said to say if I changed my mind, but even full of fear I wanted this. Either I would hate her, or we would be closer.

    She put some stuff on the fake penis, and I had to ask what it was. She just said it would help it go in. And I reallly didn't want to do it now but I didn't stop her.

    She slid it in me, and it was nicer than the other two times. All I could do was watch her face. She'd lit a few candles in her room, and watchig her was nice. It was just a few minutes, of her sliding it in me before she said "can I finish inside you." I didn't know what she meants, but I said yes. She pushed harder against me, and it seemed like I should have felt something different, but I didn't.

    So, then she was laying on me with her arms around me. And..... I never felt so at ease. But after just a little bit she got off of me and lay donw beside me with her arm around me. I ofered to do the same for her, but she said it was my night.

    That was just a few days ago. And I've never ever felt as comfortable as I did when I was laying there with her.

     

    So, I've got a lot of mixed feelings about this. My parents say how gays don't make any sense. Tabitha says she's not a lesbian, or bi, or straight, she just is who she is. And all I want is to lay naked with her. Does that mean I'm a lesbian? I want to talk to her about it, but I'm so afraid I'll lose my only friend.

    Does anyone have any advice? I just don't know what to do.

    Thanks

  • July 23, 2017 7:47 AM BST
    Can be.. can be bicurious because of what happened to you.. when u love a girl i think thats the time ur a lesbian..
    • 8 posts
    September 8, 2018 6:37 PM BST

    My husband says I need to identify as eathier bi or lesbian and I have no idea which I am. How do I make things work with him when he insists on a answer I do not know. We have gone out and had fun with other girls and I enjoyed it. I do not look at other men and think about how I like them but I do girls. I'm very confused.

    • 3 posts
    September 8, 2018 8:42 PM BST

    [blockquote]kcea said:

    My husband says I need to identify as eathier bi or lesbian and I have no idea which I am. How do I make things work with him when he insists on a answer I do not know. We have gone out and had fun with other girls and I enjoyed it. I do not look at other men and think about how I like them but I do girls. I'm very confused.

    [/blockquote]

     

    You can be bi and have a stronger preference for women over men - that doesn't make you a lesbian. I think he feels insecure being in a relationship with someone who may prefer women to men. I'm one of those types of bi women. I would feel more comfortable in a stable relationship with a woman and maybe share a guy with her once in a while or something (or not at all if she's not into that), than be in a relationship with a man and only have girlfriends on the side (or not at all). The confusion is only really over terms. Bisexual does NOT mean you like both sexes equally, you can still be more attracted to women and if you only date women then you may "effectively" be a lesbian, but not technically, if that makes sense to you. Best of luck, hon!

    • 8 posts
    September 9, 2018 2:24 AM BST

    He is worried I'm going to want to get with a man. Idk. at least thats what I think.

     

    • 8 posts
    September 9, 2018 2:24 AM BST

    He is worried I'm going to want to get with a man. Idk. at least thats what I think.

     

    • 1 posts
    March 20, 2019 4:50 AM GMT

    You have suffered through pretty bad experiences in life at early stage of your life. Visit assignment order for more as I knew the pain when heart broke. I think you are not a lesbian. It is your earlier bad experiences which are making you feel this. May you find a best lover.